Well, its a full moon. I can almost guarantee that I will wake up a bit moody, feel little direction and a bit of fear murmuring in the corner. About 3 years ago I began to wake up in the morning with my pillow case drenched and my body burning with heat. Sometimes it would wake me up at night. After years of being cold natured and sleeping very well what was this strange occurrence? I was 47 at the time. Since that time I've been regularly waking up to these bouts of erratic emotion sweeping over me like a plague.
I am certain if you are reading this, you just might relate. I've chosen to stay away from a traditional menopause diagnosis and decided to take a different path.
In many cultures women, as well as men, go through rituals, rites of passage and certain events in their lives are marked by community acknowledgement and family support. We find ourselves now a days alone in our pursuits.
Becoming a "crone" is a process that begins when we enter into menses as young women. It follows us through our "reproductive" years and doesn't simply arrive in our older years just because we stop bleeding. It is a journey that began when our bodies began to change. It will continue until we drop these earthly bodies. A couple of points along that continuum are places in which our bodies seem to betray us.
First as it bleeds for the first time, shaking our worlds and sparking fires we must learn throughout our lives to control. We are riddled with emotions that we cannot seem to get under control and bothered by the fires of desire we do not yet understand.
There are points in between, but this is not the place for such conversation. This conversation will focus on the point of the continuum where we stop bleeding. It seems strangely familiar. It seems eerily like those first few years of changing breasts and unexplainable feelings. Inappropriate, unexplainable, wild, erratic, erotic feelings.....
Today, the feelings are so much easier to deal with then a year or so ago. Thank goodness I have some great guidance and a willingness to excavate my own darkness. Perhaps I can get through this transition and come out the other side better more of who I am instead of less.
The point is that today I felt compelled to do something diffrent, to write this blog instead of wrestle with the monster. Today, I'll write a few lines, promise myself a new venue for expression and remind myself that this is actually a spiritual journey. The transition into "crone" is a beautiful process of self discovery when allowed to be. The emotions from my life that challenged me before are now returning demanding an audience. If I invite them to the surface they seem to only need but a brief recognition and they are on their way. But if, I decide to wrestle them, to shove them back to their corners and crevices...bad news. My body will ache for days, my cycles that are now dwindling arrive with pain and suffering. God, it seems like such an easy choice. Just choose to feel. Choose to feel. Choose to feel.
What is it today? It feels like a low level of anxiety with no real cause. It remains mysterious and secretive but hovers below the surface ready to devour any bit of joy that might leak through. It entices me to dive into the dark and curl up with the pain.
Or worse yet...apathy. Apathy will come over me and I will feel...nothing. Feeling nothing is actually worse. There is no freedom in the apathy only physical pain. I know when I feel anger or sadness or shame it doesn't feel like it did when I was a child or a teenager. Or even as a young mother. In those years I was busy pushing those emotions down because they were so overwhelming. They seem to want to revisit me now.
So, here I am today saying BRING IT ON! I am willing. Willing to feel.
